Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers[ That'll stop 'em. ]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]Miners Refuse to Work after Death[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ![You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadThe Man the Legend
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